“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
A bold strategy
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.