Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!