I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
You Might Also Like
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*