Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.