Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends