I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
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Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book