Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.