I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.