I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.