No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Another day, another police escort from Bed, Bath & Beyond.
I built that beach a sandcastle.
Beaches love sandcastles.
her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal
[later at dinner]
her: why are you doing this?
me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.