I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
You Might Also Like
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters