I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Whisper out to librarians!
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.