Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Fries, not lies.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

👾👾👾

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together