I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
🍛
