I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.