Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.