I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.