I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I like donuts.
Twitter:
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.