I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
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juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
that’s really how it is
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep