I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea