I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
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Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor