I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I might give this a try 😏
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Realize this:
