I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
*offers Batman cough drops*
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?