Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what