I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
True
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Home #decor warning.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently