I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”