Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

Salad is the decaf of food.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.