I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I know
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I could NOT have put it better myself.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.