Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

hackers play passwordle

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Yup.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.