Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Oceanography is all about current events

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?