Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!