I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”