Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?