I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know