I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

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Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you


“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“No, he’s a labrador.”


What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.


My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.


Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.


I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.


I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.


Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?


Him: Boo!

Me: Did you just call me your Boo?

Him: I was scaring you!

Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*


Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.