Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*