Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

I love art.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Animal poetry

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.