I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
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I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.