I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Saw online –
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.