I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
i was dropped as an adult
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Damn he played himself
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
These are so Plastic Man-core
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Breaking news:
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth