I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
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If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there