I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
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Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.