I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
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I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
It was worth a shot 😂
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Somebody’s lying.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date