I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?