I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Church Pugh’s
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever