Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.