Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

My fantasy football season is going great

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Milk Cube

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.