I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
me: time for sleep 馃檪
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Ten seconds into packing a box鈥aaand I鈥檝e lost the end of the tape
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it鈥檚 垄75.
Guess that鈥檚 the cost of inflation.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!馃槃
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I鈥檝e been running for 10 years.
This salad tastes like I鈥檒l be eating spaghetti at midnight. 馃槖
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren鈥檛 and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clich茅s.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn鈥檛.
Child (8): YOU DON鈥橳 KNOW MY LIFE!