Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

good morning

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.