I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
