I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
