I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
