I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao