Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.