I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Wow 🤣
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans