Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Jogging

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.