I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
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Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
What an awful time to have common sense.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died