I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
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A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
dutch so unserious
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out