I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself