Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

This is my brand.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying