I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school