Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

This could be us but you eatin’

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe