Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down