I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Ummm
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee