I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
58.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
