I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.