I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels