Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

No chill.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

I’m crying im so happy for them

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

#merica

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know