I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.