I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Things will get butter, keep churning
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.