I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.