i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
You Might Also Like
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.