i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
BEING INVITED TO NOTHING: I’m ever so lonely and nobody cares about me at all
BEING INVITED TO ONE THING: omg it never ends with these people
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.