I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I might give this a try 😏
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it