I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
#titanic
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Always the vampires
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”