Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.