I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
love pickles so much i put myself in one
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
You were the one.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Saturday
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend