I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
lmfao
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
the clam before the storm
seems like a niche market
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches