I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Why soy sad?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
english majors be like furthermore
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
HR said no more nunchucks.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.