Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

Muppet Screams

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.