I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
You Might Also Like
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…