Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.