Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

it’s not been my year

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Cop lights are so pretty at night

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him