I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
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My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”