I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I’d hang this in my house.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
the best thing i’ve ever made
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner