I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America