I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
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If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.