Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

when someone rings the doorbell

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

These dogs look like they have good credit.

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

I’ve had relationships like this

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.